Life is complex. Life gets busy. Life is overwhelming. Life is scary. All of the aforementioned are true. Especially that last one.
I am scared to death of life. It is undoubtedly my biggest fear and I never realised it until a month ago. I am beginning to understand our deepest fear is the light within us. That the responsibility to positively impact others is too big and I truly want to play small. Do you want to know a major secret to life though? Our fear holds the beauty, liberation and wisdom that is our dream reality.
A month ago, I had this feeling within me that I could not quite put a finger on. See, Carlie and I live an interesting life (no not in the sense of a double life,) but we are constantly on the move. I suppose it comes with the nature of playing professionally sometimes but in the past 18 months, we have lived in four cities, constantly moving around. One contract ends and another begins.
One thing we do not have in our lives, is a sense of stability. We do not have a place where we know is necessarily home. One really cool thing about living life this way is the sheer volume of people that you get to meet and experiences you have. I have been granted the opportunity to see almost every major city here in Australia because of it, along with so many beautiful landscapes the country has to offer.
One thing about not staying in one place for too long- that lack of stability can get to you sometimes. Now do not get me wrong, we both enjoying many of the perks of living like this and as such, choose to. It would be easier to just get a job and have an apartment somewhere, however we are here for to experience everything we can, while we can. Stability is the sacrifice we have to make chasing our dreams and we are both happy to do that.
So back to that feeling I had a month ago. I realised it was anxiety. I never acknowledged my anxiety before- yes I felt it but never acknowledged what it was because I had always had to figure out the next step in my life." Survival mode" if you will.
Our anxiety is such a gift, though we do not realise it, because anxiety is the space we find our answers. Think about a time you felt anxious and you sourced an answer seemingly out of thin air.
While I will save a deeper dive into anxiety for another time, the reason I felt anxious was the fear inside of me. Fear for me is huge, something I carry with me greatly everyday.
I am afraid to fail. I am afraid of judgement. I am afraid of embarrassment. I am afraid of not making the right decision and wasting my time. I am afraid to go unheard. I am afraid to be hurt.
I know so many others struggle with these fears and I think it is a conversation we need to have more in society.
So how do we overcome fear? That answer is simple. Run right at the fear, not away from it. Accept fear for what it is, while knowing the fear is pointing you to a greater direction.
If you look back in your life at the things that you most did not want to do but did anyway, it turned out to be the best thing for you. That is because that fear comes from your safety walls that are put up subconsciously, protecting us from the outside world. What takes us out of our comfort zones, allows us to grow. When we grow, we become better than the version that was trapped behind those walls. So are we actually protecting ourselves or are we just limiting ourselves?
As you are all well aware by now, I have stepped in the space of mental health and want to change the way we look at it, as well as help individuals moving forward. To do this, I have gone back to school, so to speak, earning a qualification to begin working with others.
So now what? Well it is time to put my money where my mouth is, as I am getting ready to launch my own consultation firm, helping others around mindfulness, reframing how we see the world and how we accept ourselves, others and what happens to us.
So what has stopped me thus far? That fear. I am afraid of all of the things that I listed before and a million other things running through my mind. I am afraid that I am not good enough. I fear that no one will want to listen to what I have to say or I will be ridiculed.
These are not uncommon in all of us, but they run in my head constantly. They always have in everything I have tried to do in my life and to this point. I have found enough success to justify they are only negative echoes in my head and hold absolutely no weight. Overcoming those echoes is something I have to do in my life and I look forward to the challenge.
So I have done what I have done for the last eight months or so- I have written about it. I have put those thoughts into a very real and vulnerable place, hoping to model for others what needs to be done. If these words fall on deaf ears, then it was a healing process for myself at the very least.
Over the past six weeks, I have had the opportunity to work with people in individual sessions around the troubles in their own lives and have had the opportunity to help. Walking away from a session, hearing about peoples deepest, darkest pain and helping them to shed some of that weight, simply by giving them another point of view of how that experience can actually benefit them, is a feeling unlike any other in my life.
That is how I know this fear is good. This fear is where my purpose in life lies.
There are two main beliefs surrounding our death- the first is we reincarnate. The second belief is we are gone forever. Whatever your belief is, a wasted life is equally frightening.
If this was your only chance to live, would you want to waste it doing something you do not love and had no impact on others? If you did get another chance at life, would you want to waste a trip, not making the world a better place for your next life?
I have learned to stop listening to the small minded people. The people that always told me I couldn't. More people told me I couldn't than I could throughout my life but those are projections of their own fear. Fear of things they cannot do and fear of things they are afraid I can.
Fear is our guide. Our apprehension of running towards the fear is our smaller self trying to stop our limitless potential from changing the world. If you do not think you are capable of changing the world I have advice for you given to me by the wisest man I have ever met. Calmly and lovingly, tell yourself, "(Name), f*ck off." You are here to impact the world- never forget that.
We must learn to stop running from our fear. We must learn to surrender to all of our emotions. Therein lies the balance that we are all constantly looking for.
I say all of this to ask you one question. Will you come with me on this beautiful adventure, filled with fear? On the other side of that fear is a life and a world you could have never imagined.